I decided to be a little bit bold today and talk about SEX.
I have always wondered why it is so difficult for parents to talk about Sex with their kids.
I know I didn't get the sex talk from my parents. Were they shy? Or was it because of the society? (You know in some places its still considered an abomination to talk about it)
What would they have done if I had boldly asked them to teach me about sex.
Why is it that in our society sex is still a hush hush topic, especially amongst the religious sect.
Why is it that we behave as though it doesn't exist.
Why is it that when you talk about it you are automatically labeled a very bad girl or boy?
Why do people behave as though they don't know anything about it, when we are evidence that our parents had sex at least once?
One day On her show, Tyra Banks interviewed a few teenage girls, who where less than 14 and who had all had sex. All of them said that they would have wished that their parents had, had the sex talk with them. They said if they had had the sex education they probably wouldn't have dabbled into sex that early, or listened to their friends...Now this is America?
Can you imagine how difficult it is out here.
How many kids get the sex talk from their parents?
A girl told me that when she saw her period for the first time she didn't know what it meant. When she told her mother about it, her mother told her that now she had become a woman and that if a boy touched her she would become pregnant...
Now imagine when she realized that touching didn't make you pregnant. I am sure she would have been disappointed that her mother lied. Concluding in her mind that her friends knew better about SEX than her mother.
(Peer pressure)
Or is it a boy who just discovers that he has started having wet dreams, in the hostel, and is being teased by his bunk mates. Or has just been introduced into the deadly snarl of masturbation. Emotions running wild, confusion, enjoyment, gratification, shame and then father not there to give him the man to man talk? Imagine what he will grow up thinking.
I wonder why then do we have kids when we can't talk to them about anything?
There was this research that said almost 75% of married women do not have an orgasm. This news is a bit controversial, but it will shock you to know that a lot of women and men have never had proper sex education.
Sex or lack of it is one of the things that results in marriages crashing. Either, the man isn't getting enough or the women is just not interested, or both of them haven't taken the time to understand each other's needs..
It's sad that even when we go to meet our spiritual heads, they do not give us the real facts about sex.
I wish we will grow into a generation that can comfortably talk about sex: "the bad and the good". I wish we will be able to give our children the sex talk without shouting down their heads or lying about it to them or making them feel they will burn in hell because their hormones are very active.
I want to have sons, and I pray that when the time comes they will be able to talk to me about their first crush, their first kiss, the changes they notice in their bodies as they approach puberty and the almighty sex talk....In fact I want them to be able to tell me anything.
Please let me know if your parents ever gave you the sex talk and what stories they told cos I know a lot of our parents told us a lot of funny stories about SEX.
Ciao
My dad talked to me about sex once and my mum talked about it when I saw my period. I guess parents just leave these things to the biology teachers, lol
ReplyDeleteIt is left for us not to make the same mistakes our parents made in this generation.
My parents never spoke sex oh,not coz they didnt want to but they were kinda busy to consider that,mum also came up with that "if a guy touches you,you get pregnant" stunt but other than that,they brought my brother and I up in a very good way,my brother told us when he first had sex and the girls he has laid with and he's 19,I'm 21 and I've not had sex,oh yes,I kiss a lot and alla that but the real deal,nope,my parents won't kill me but I learnt enough from them and I won't keep sex talks from my kids,NO WAY.
ReplyDeleteI never had the "sex talk" with my parents. For me, It was more of a upbringing where I was pretty well informed by my parents about almost everything, and considering the fact that Mom was a Midwife/Nurse anyways. It was just never an issue. I had access to her OB/GYN books, and I asked questions as I deemed fit. And they were answered, from the books, the whole graphic picture of child birth, pregnancy and all.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this post, and I personally believe rather than awaiting the "Sex Talk" moment, Parents need to build from Childhood an environment that allows the Children to be free in the first place, it won't be hard to talk about that when the moment comes. It should be a regular part of life, but the "sex talk" issue kind of compartmentalize it. Just my thoughts. Sex is a very interesting topic to discuss, especially since it's often talked about in hushed tones, behind close doors. Thank God it's changing now though.
Head on over to my blog, and contribute to my recent post.
Hmm my parents didn't talk about sex though they barred us from male company and vice versa but I think that's not enough. For real you've said it,even in churches sex is treated as a sin factor so we end up making golden rules which young people search to break. I mean making rules don't stop people from breaking them.
ReplyDeleteIf we in this generation would sit down and patiently teach our young ones about SEX apart from SEX as a GENDER but the act between a man and a woman, then we would save many from sexual sin-and that by God- and let them know sex is good in the confines of marriage.
I enjoyed reading...
from male company and vice versa but I think that's not enough. For real you've said it,even in churches sex is treated as a sin factor so we end up making golden rules which young people search to break. I mean making rules don't stop people from breaking them.
If we in this generation would sit down and patiently teach our young ones about SEX apart from SEX as a GENDER but the act between a man and a woman, then we would save many from sexual sin-and that by God- and let them know sex is good in the confines of marriage.
I enjoyed reading...
I don't think I actually had "The Sex talk" with my parents. I guess we'd already asked some questions, and they assumed we already knew the rest or something like that. Like you, I hope I'm close to my children and they can talk to me any time.
ReplyDeletehello, long time. well i have a few thoughts. i do support that the sex talk with the kids goes a long way in preventing stds, pregnancys, peer pressure and self esteem issues. however, i do feel that what I knew when i was 14 is a lot less than what 14yrs olds of today know. as a result, i don't know how much the sex talk would have prevented them from now having sex cos they know its not something mummy will congratulate you for afterwards. but then again, it is best that your kids get their sex education from you first and not some horny boy (or girl lol) or wayward friends :). nd its so interesting how even when parents give the talk, its mostly to their daughters cos i guess they will carry the physical evidence for 9 months when things go wrong. boys need to be educated too cos it takes 2 to tango
ReplyDeleteNever had the "sex talk" ever with my parents. But we did get questioned alot about HIV/AIDS and STDs as well as pregnancy, but it was more from the point of view of "do you know how HIV is spread?","what kind of habits put you at risks?" sort of questions. Never the nitty gritty details. I think they approached it from the view that if we knew about the risks of unprotected sex, then we shouldnt be messing around, besides, from a Catholic upbringing, condom use was not even a consideration. It was complete abstinence. Thats as far as any sex-related talk went
ReplyDelete@ilola it so true.
ReplyDelete@gretel lol. your mum said that too. keep it up girl.
@aeWHY oh: Fellow Writer: yep. i had a friend whose mother was a nurse, they read a lot of OB/GYN books that they could go practice nursing straight away. Will check your blog asap.
@enybee-hub: so true and kids these days need a lot of practical examples. if we cant teach them in churches, mosques etc , that's bad.
@Myne Whitman: yep I too want that.
@Olori : really its been a while. since kids these days know a lot more than we did, we as parents need to be more observant and try to learn as fast as they do, cos after all they are ours. After all i heard of a case were an 8 years old girl was pregnant, and the driver was the father. and yes the sex talk should be given to both boys and girls.
@Wendal: lol at least your parents tried by letting you guys know about HIV/AIDS and STDS.
Thank you guys for all your comments.
As sex is such a huge taboo in Naija, I personally didn't wait around for anyone to talk to me or teach me about sex. When I was 15, I picked up Every Woman at the British Council library and I learnt everything about sex, pregnancy, STDS, and motherhood among other things in there on my own.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, if I have children, I intend to be open with them about sex, love, making choices and the consequences of wrong choices.
ReplyDeleteI never had the sex talk with my parents
ReplyDeleteHowever, I am talk openly about sex with my 11 year old.
I have discussed the biological process; why and how emotions are involved and why one's body is sacred.
I have also told them that sex is not a 'fun experiment' because (a) people get diseases that can affect them for life and (b) some girls are quite happy to get pregnant because they dont have any dreams!
@Anna Fani thats fantastic i also read that too. In fact my knowledge about sex was attributed to the fact that i started reading very early.
ReplyDelete@N.I.L. I love the way to talk to your son. Its so true that there are girls who are quit happy to become pregnant cos they don't have dreams at all.
didnt have the official talk but my mum kept throwing around threatening statements like that. I will be sure to do so with my Kids. So help me God
ReplyDeleteI am proud of you for speaking out about this topic and you are right...it shouldn't be so taboo. It's up to people like you to change the way the world views these issues. The truth is that nothing will change if someone doesn't speak and this is true with so many subjects where for whatever the reasons (religious, cultural, age etc) people have been silenced. Yes, my mom told me basically, "Don't get naked with a boy, because he will go tell all his friends and then you will have a bad reputation." I don't think that was very good information and certainly didn't lay out any "facts" that I needed to know. I know I will be open with my daughters and hope that they will confide in me and feel comfortable that I will not shame them for their inquiries.
ReplyDelete@Mbabazi God will help u and i know u will do the right thing.
ReplyDelete@Meredith loll that was what your mum told you. so funny. yep she didn't give the facts. Thanks for trusting me to be the voice. I will try.
Thank you guys for commenting.
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ReplyDeleteBlessings.....
ReplyDeleteParents unwillingness to enter into dialogue with their children about sex is about them, their fears and sometimes discomfort about the subject and awkwardness at having to answer questions that they may not be willing to confront if they were ask...."have you done it?" "What’s it like?" etc.
For my mother and her mother before her there were no discussions about sex. That generation and generations before saw many women who were clueless about what was happening to their bodies. Many went into histerics when they got their period almost losing their minds. Some believed that if they kiss it meant they were pregnant and many who were pregnant had no idea even when they went into labor and delivered the baby only to be confronted with a human life for which many were ill equipped to handle.
Often Parents think that if they speak to their children about sex it means that they are condoning it and giving permission to engage in sexual activity. This naive perception lulls them into a false sense of security of “don’t tell means they won’t do,” although the reality is children, youths, young adults are having sex and experimenting in all forms of sexual activities anyway. I guess one of the main issue is that they (parents) often think of the graphic parts of the sexual activity and feel they may have to become explicit in their explanations so they shrink away in embarrassment and shame. The feeling is multiplied especially if the child is young and comes with questions that take the parents by surprise. The thing is one can speak about sex without getting ponographic but many parents don’t know how. Throw religion into the mix and all hell literally breaks loose.
As a mother I spoke with my daughters about sex, everything and anything there was to be told i told them. Each discussion was appropriate to their age or specific to their questions. My strategy was to arm my daughters with the truth and the facts to counteract the bullshit and many misinformations out there about sex and sexuality. The correct information helps them to maneuver the myriad of myths and misconceptions about sex, sexuality and their bodies. It assists them in understanding their boundaries and what is acceptable and not acceptable for them. My girls were aware; I even had the talk about the array of STDs out there and followed them up with graphic photos of the consequences of contracting an STD and what one might be facing should this consequence be visited upon them. As my girls got older and they had questions I answered them even when it seated me uncomfortably because I had to think of their safety and welfare. After some years if I brought up the subject they would yell…..MOM! MOM! MOM! TMI (too much information) and they would start singing or talking loudly over me to block me out, hehe, I got a kick out of that and would laugh uproariously. At that point I knew my job was done, that what they needed they would ask, think and at the very least try to find out.
I was told that if i touch a boy I will get pregnant...Haha.I plan on having the sex talk with my kids.
ReplyDeleteSex was never discussed by my parents with us but I guess during their own days it was never an issue because morality was high. However, in this day and age it will be naive not to do so because sex is everywhere around us. What I advocate is for parents to discuss relationship issues with their children as opposed to just talking about sex in isolation. In doing so, it may help young people understand that sex is one aspect of many other important aspects of a relationship. Nice blog, thanks for stopping by @ www.hilonah-educationthatworksfornigeria.blogspot.com. Please also check my sister blog: www.apenandaheart.blogspot.com
ReplyDelete@Rhapsody thumbs up to you. Very nice. I will definitely follow suit. Thank you very much.
ReplyDelete@Andrea lol i wonder y our parents told us strange stories about sex. One guy told his son that if he had sex before he was 18 he will go blind.. Imagine.
WOW! I so love this. It's like you're writing for a magazine article or something. You should try to get this published... ;)
ReplyDeleteWell, I really enojoyed reading this post and the comments that followed. It shed some light upon somethings I didn't know about.
foreversweetlybroken.blogspot.com
Parents are actually making a mistake by not talking to their kids about it. It's healthier when children(at the right time) understand what they need to about sex and their hormones or bodies. For some people it has actually caused more damage than good ie emotionally, physically, etc. I recently stumbled on an issue called vaginismus whereby females cant have sex because of fear. This is also caused by parents not talking to their kids about it or telling them the wrong things when talking about it
ReplyDeleteThis is a very thought provoking post! I am surprised that the world over lack of sex education is a problem. I agree with one of the people who have commented that parents think that if they speak about sex they are condoing it... Really foolish. We have spoken to our daugther about it and hopefully, she will get back to us with questions when they come up in her mind.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by at my blog! Really apprecite it!
Nope, my mum never did..learnt it from the biology class...simply told me no boy should touch me when i started my period which she had been asking me about every month.. 'DID YOU SEE ANY BLOOD STAIN ON YOUR PANT? Before then, i had an idea what sex was all about becox i was already reading romance novels before i saw my period at age 12.
ReplyDeleteNow, as a parent, i must confess, i don't feel so comfortable talking about sex with my daughter, am kind of shy..funny ehn? but i & hubby still do it, trying to explain in a playful.jovial way...like when my 2nd daughter asked me; WHAT DO YOU ALWAYS DO IN DAD'S ROOM IN THE AFTERNOON, AND COME OUT LATER????... *blank stare*......was dumbfounded! how do i explain to my 8year old daughter, i just had a sex with her father? huh?....i ran back to hubby, woke him up, told him to go & reply his daughter o! yes! i didn't know what to say to her!..hahahhaa. Hubby dressed, called all our kids in, sat them on the bed and said, YOUR MOTHER & I DO HAVE PRIVATE 'PLAY', TALK' & SLEEP JUST AS YOU ALL WOULD DO WHEN YOU GET MARRIED IN FUTURE.blah, blah, blah..THAT IS WHY YOU SHOULD NOT DISTURB US, WHEN I LOCK THE DOOR, YOU HEAR? yes sir, they replied, since then, they had come to understand when am in dad's room, NO DISTURBANCE, my sons do ask me every night IF I WOULD SLEEP IN THEIR DAD'S ROOM OR THIER'S??? When i say dad's , they would go ohhhhhhh! Their dad would tell them they should leave his wife alone! That if he does not sleep with me, they won't had been born in mummy's belly!..hahahhaa..the truth my sister, there is really no comfortable & easy way to explain sex to my children ranging form of 3-10years & with the films they are exposed to, they have seen love scenes, which we tell them to look at but must not let any man or woman do that to them until they are married.
p.s,,,,tnx for coming over my blog.
@sweetly broken thanks. maybe i should including all the comments.
ReplyDelete@stelzz so true i will do a little more research on vaginismus.
@merra thank you so much and thumbs up for already talking to your daughter about sex.
@Ibhade lol @ your 8years old asking what u do always in dad's room in the afternoon and come out later. OMG I can imagine how embarrassed you were.
Hmm... I had The Talk. It was quite uncomfortable though. It started with me saying I was thinking of switching to tampons and my mum saying ahn ahn aren't you a virgin? Quite uncomfortable.
ReplyDeleteI never had the sex talk, not even the period talk with my mom. When she realized I had started my period, she just bought me educational books about sex. We never once discussed anything, not with her. I had older ones and when i had questions I asked them.
ReplyDelete@mstizzle loll your mother is so funny... "aren't u a virgin".
ReplyDelete@Okeoghene thank you. I hope your older ones did a good job.
I didn't have much of a sex talk with my parents when I was younger...I suppose I learned all things myself !
ReplyDeleteVery nice blog, if you want we could follow each other, I have a mostly fashion related blog but I love reading posts like those you write, hope mine can be interesting for you too ! Kisses
Fashion and Cookies
I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU!!!
ReplyDeleteMy parents never gave me the sex talk...really wish they did!
@Vale thank you. i checked your blog its fantastic.
ReplyDelete@Blessing thank you
I didn't get the sex talk until I was "too old" lol,...
ReplyDeleteI didn't get a sex talk either, but i got mini sex talks in between conversations though, and that wasn't bad. In this day and age, i don't think kids can be that ignorant about sex cause it's all over the media.
ReplyDeleteAdiya
http://museorigins.blogspot.com
http://museorigins.com
lolsssss. We were just having this conversation today. Nigerian, Jamiacan. Nobody's mum had given them a talk more comprehensive than...if he touches you, you'll get pregnant. Like you said, it just makes your mom look credibility somewhat.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely going to have long beautiful talks with my kids.
Rhapsody got it!